Unpacking the damage from emotionally immature parents.
The perfect childhood doesn’t exist. Instead, many people experience their childhood along a continuum — with most memories hovering somewhere around the middle, and a few that stir up emotional pain.
Then, there are those of us whose childhoods were anything but “normal” or “typical”. We were the silenced kids. Kids without a voice. Children who were “happier” feeling unseen and unheard because it meant we dodged another beating. Kids who grew up learning “predictably unpredictable” as tied into parental inconsistencies, rejection, emotional or physical abandonment, and physical danger. Children who had no personal space and where personal boundaries weren’t allowed. Kids who lived in fear and anxiety.
These are the childhoods that cause complex PTSD and that can shatter a child’s sense of Self before it is fully developed. If the child is hardwired as highly sensitive and reactive to their environment, the damage can be exponential. It’s common for this kind of maltreatment to become a perfect storm — creating the intensity and sensitivity for which many of these kids are further shamed and punished.
Emotionally Immature Parenting
Childhood environments that create complex PTSD are often the result of emotionally immature parents. Parents who are narcissistic, mentally ill, violent, rejecting, negligent, selfish, and emotionally unstable are parenting from a place of their own unhealed core attachment traumas which their child is now being primed to carry. This is one of the biggest predictors of perpetuating inter-generational trauma.
Red flags of emotionally immature parents include:
- Parents who try to be their child’s friend
- Often selfish and meet their needs before their child’s
- Negligent parents who don’t care who their kids hang out with, or doesn’t check in on their safety
- Typically has severe undiagnosed mental health issues (BPD, NPD, major depression, bipolar disorder)
- Triangulating siblings and/or other family members
- Dismissive and invalidating to their child’s reality
- Physically and/or emotionally abusive
- Demands perfection and high expectations
- May be the “party” parent where boundaries are blurred
- Inconsistent rules based on the parent’s mood or immediate needs
- May “live in the moment” and be irresponsible with money
- Often “needy” around family
- Drug, alcohol, or other addictive behaviors are common
- Victimizes themselves to be “saved” by family
This list is not exhaustive. While these are some of the more common outward behaviors that resonate with emotionally immature parenting, the internal damage being done to a child is where the focus should be. Gibson (2015) discusses 4 types of emotionally immature parenting that damage a child.
Highly Driven/Controlling. Controlling and highly driven parents are typically coined “helicopter” parents who constantly hover around their children. They can be suffocating, limiting their child’s sense of autonomy, and hampering key developmental stages of child development. These parents are more concerned about outward appearance and image — in making themselves look like a “model parent” to their child’s school, other parents, or their community.
Many of these parents came from emotionally and/or physically negligent environments themselves, so they may be overcompensating for their upbringing by being overly involved in their child’s lives. By “helicoptering”, the focus is on displacing their own need for control and perfection onto their child. Many are highly critical, demanding, abusive, punitive, and punishing in their approach. Many have “militaristic” thinking — where they try to parent from a perspective of “breaking the child down” in order to build them up. Yet, for most children who grow up in this kind of environment, it can break them, not build them up.
As Adults: Growing up with this kind of parenting can shatter a sense of Self, create severe animosity and contempt for their parents, and create severe anger problems. Some may become highly critical of themselves, perfectionists, workaholics, or battle drug or alcohol problems to escape feelings of anger or shame. Their romantic relationships often play second-fiddle to their own need for distraction — to distract themselves from feeling worthless, useless, or not “good enough”. If they are in a romantic relationship, problems are often dodged or minimized as too threatening to the deep feelings of shame they harbor.
Rejecting. Parents who are dismissive, avoidant, moody, and push others away are often labeled as rejecting. They prefer being left alone and are often emotionally negligent of their child’s needs. They may be punitive and verbally abusive when having to interact with their child, or overly passive and negligent when not involved. Parents who are rejecting often cause Avoidant attachment styles in their children who believe they have no one but themselves to turn to. The pain of parental rejection activates the same region of the brain as physical pain. Rejecting parents can criticize a child’s innate abilities, minimize their passions or beliefs, or emotionally shut down when a child needs comforting.
As Adults: Suffering emotional rejection from a parent can cause an adult to make negative assumptions about people, even if covertly. They are often highly suspicious of others and may assume worst-case scenarios when meeting new people. Many who were rejected children grew up fending for themselves and may struggle with reaching a healthy compromise in their romantic relationships. They often fear getting close to others and are dismissive when it comes to intimate relationships. They can struggle letting a person in and are often more Avoidantly attached. Others may become more codependent “people-pleasers” in their romantic relationships to overcompensate for personal childhood trauma that left them feeling unheard, unseen, or rejected.
Emotionally Dysregulated. Of the 4 types, an emotionally immature parent who is also emotionally dysregulated is one of the biggest red flags for a child developing complex PTSD. Emotional dysregulation is on a continuum; on one end they may be highly erratic, unpredictable, or may have violent outbursts that may resonate with a pattern of rage or crying; on the other end of the spectrum is emotional disconnection— where they may stonewall or shame their child’s needs for love and connection.
Many emotionally dysregulated parents are cynical, victimize themselves, are unpredictable in their parenting, and create an environment where the child lives in fear. This kind of parenting is often linked to a Disorganized attachment style, Borderline Personality Disorder or maternal ADHD (Woods, 2019). Most concerning is that a parent who struggles controlling their own emotions can negatively reinforce emotional outbursts and poor coping skills in their child.
As Adults. If a child is raised in chaos or a highly volatile and unpredictable environment, this can feel “normal” and “comfortable”, meaning that they are more likely to unconsciously seek out romantic partners that reinforce this toxic pattern where traumatic bonds are formed. Many adults who were victims of an emotionally dysregulated parent may struggle with their own Disorganized attachment style, deep feelings of unworthiness, depression, anxiety, anger problems, or hide behind toxic positivity as a way of emotionally numbing from their past.
Negligent. Emotionally immature parents who are negligent are often more concerned about themselves than their child’s needs. They may appear childlike themselves, more concerned about “partying” than tending to their child, or may be irresponsible with finances (buying an outfit to go on a date instead of getting diapers for their child). They may leave their child in the same diaper all day, may blame other siblings for not changing the child’s diaper or may minimize the health risks.
Negligent parents tend to rationalize their own problems and their child’s problems. They may be dismissive, or live in toxic positivity by trying to get their child to look on the bright side instead of facing the reality of their situation. On the surface, these emotionally immature parents may seem “cool” to their child’s friends because of their passivity. Yet, negligent parents often battle mental illness that renders them feeling emotionally overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, or manic, and unable to efficiently care for their child’s needs or their safety.
As Adults: Many adults who grew up in an invalidating and negligent environment struggle with depression, anxiety, and feelings of shame. They may overcompensate by becoming workaholics or develop behavioral addictions (gaming, social media, exercise, relationships) to feel worthy or as a way of running from their childhood scars.
Many don’t feel satisfied with their accomplishments and are always looking for ways to add another stream of income because the fear of childhood poverty still weighs on their mind. In relationships, they may overspend as a way of validating their feelings of unworthiness and may be prone to getting into relationships with people who use them. Others may have histories of “distracting” themselves in relationships to avoid emotional intimacy and vulnerability.
Michael J McCluskey 